Life is uncertainty. And change.

I have been away from home for almost ten months. When I think of my old house, I imagine my family carrying on the same as we always did. Going to work, coming home, arguing about the dishes, vacuuming on weekends, walking the dog every day, going out for dinner now and again. A tick-tocking kind of routine, comfortable, familiar. But I forget that we only get so many times round the clock. While things are not changing, they are winding down, grinding away.

My grandmother has reached the venerable age of ninety-one. She has very recently started using a computer for the first time, to send emails and sometimes check this blog. Now she has bowel cancer and, last I checked, is in hospital. She still sounds cheerful and chirpy and it makes me sad, because I don't feel cheerful or chirpy at all. I don't know how I feel.

Readjusting to life standing still has not been simple. I haven't really had anything to do here in Austin, and while I do like it here, I'm not going anywhere. Physically or any other way. When I was backpacking, I was constantly on the move, and while that had its own problems, suddenly stopping is odd. It's like running at full tilt and then jolting to a halt. You need to readjust your balance, to pull in your flailing limbs and set your neck straight.

And so while I was getting onto this, my grandmother was getting sicker. My mother isn't telling me what to do, but I know I need to get home. Besides, it makes it so much worse being so far away. Now I'm just waiting to hear if I'll be leaving this week or next week. It's such an odd feeling, suddenly being cast back from whence you came. It's definitely a feeling of a flight cut short, a jolt of reality. And that's OK. I'm OK, or I'm telling myself I am, and I hope my grandmother's OK, or I'm telling myself she is. I want to be philosophical about this. I know about life and death and change and acceptance and everything. I do. But I don't know about fitting back into Wellington so quickly. I haven't had time to readjust to the idea of returning.